Week Three: Down to Earth

The Preamble
Another new season and some things never seem to change. Take for instance greenhorn Hen Pen. Mr. Henderson takes over the Marx Madness franchise and has yet to turn the team around (meaning, he's still winless).

Some things are still going strong. Take for instance, our humble Commissioner's crushing win over his arch-rival, the Huron Heartbreakers. But, it's the Throwback's opine that every week brings another arch-rival for the boss.

No, wait, this boss.

The Gloat of the Week

If we took a poll of the owner who probably gets the least respect around here, it might just be CoCo's All-Stars Whos Ochocinco [sic].

If we go back in time, you'll find, starting in the year 2000 ... and 6, that Ben B. has placed 7 of 12, 9 of 10, and 9 of 12. Stop ... Maybe that ill-respect is well deserved.

Well, this week, stand up and be proud Chad Johnson inquisitors, you're getting your just desserts.

So, it is with great aplomb that we designate Whos Ochocinco [sic] as The Gloat of the Week.

The Goat of the Week

Will never votes for me.
–David N.

Above was a quote from Norfolk State this past week. Why would anyone with a sane mind vote for a team who drops turds all over the virtual field? When your top scorer is your defense, well, go ahead and suit up.

This week's Goat of the Week is, with great dignity, awarded to the "mighty" Norfolk Junior College.

Our Very Scientific Power Rankings ... or Ranklings

Back by popular demand is the most controversial segment of the Throwback.

Yes folks, get ready to whine, the Throwback is putting you in line.

Crafty Like Foxes
1. HesAKeeper (Jamie)
2. The Kolber Kissers

Not Bad ... Could Be Bett-ah
3. Fighting Gobblers
4. Whos Ochocinco
5. He Hate Me

The Token Dark Horse
6. NL Supremacy

Mediocre w/ A Chance of Meatballs
7. my team sucks
8. Norfolk State
9. Huron Heartbreakers
10. Tinea Cruris

In A League of His Own (That's Not A Good Thing)
11. CoCo's All-Stars

Bobby Petrino's Love Child
12. Hen Pen

And We're Out

After the wheeling and dealing, we're not sure if my team sucks is more this ... or this.

Update Your Bookmarks, Nerds!

Oopsie Daisy
Our esteemed Treasurer, Ben T., has pointed out something very important.

If you bookmarked the old league, you might have noticed ever since we updated to PLUS, there is a glitch in the Matrix.

Indeed, the tyrants at Yahoo! Sports insist on creating a separate, but equal, league when you upgrade. Meaning, the old league, is non-PLUS, and doesn't count for squat.

So, please, please, please. Update your bookmarks, or you may end up playing Dwayne Bowe, even though you thought you benched him ... who much to the chagrin of Mr. Trice and my personal delight, did not play this week.

The Throwback: Deuces Wild

The Preamble
Attention "Oh and Two" Teams, you've been put on notice. Hen Pen and Jared Sucks should probably be pushing one of these this week.

As for them Kolber Kissers and Jam. Davis Manly Keepers, it's all clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose ... That is until the week is over.

For the rest of you, well, there's nothing wrong with being mediocre. I mean, you could be doing much worse. Wait, is that Jamie O’Hara?

So, Week Three, we dub the the Great Week of Reckoning.

The Gloat of the Week

Dear Phil Rivers,

Please, if you are a great and merciful QB, please continue to lose games but keep up your awesome.

Love,
Jared Davis

The Fightin’ Rod Smarts showed the league this past week how you play the game (above average QB play, balanced RBs driving your point, and your complimentary players (TE, Flex, K, Defense) knowing their roles ... and putting up a whopping 75.3 points alone.

So, it is great respect that we dube He Hate Me as The Gloat of the Week.

The Goat of the Week

Coaches like to encourage their players to leave it all on the field.

Unfortunately, CoCo's All-Stars were shining on the bench. Y'know a measly 112 points were begging to be put in. Apparently, GM Salley is not an equal opportunity employer.

This week's Goat of the Week is proudly awarded to CoCo's A.S.s.

Game of the Week

Everyone likes fireworks (if you don't you're letting the terrorists win). We got to see some from Norfolk State and Jared Sucks, really the only game this week that was anywhere within a 10 point margin. I guess the Throwback has to give the game ball over by de-Faulk (Do you see how bad it is? I have resort to these kind of puns).

The Game Ball Goes ...

... to State teammates and bros 4 life, Brees and Frank Gore. If you think this Norfolk team is going to be hit or miss, well, you may be right. This is the guy who did rip off an amazing run last year, winning the first eight games of the season (I'd also like to point out, the Hobbits dropped their first playoff game). Circle Week 5 on your calendars, Gobblers, that's Bree's first bye-week.

And We're Out

Saturday still counts as Week 2, am I right?

The Throwback: Week One

The Preamble

In case you haven't heard, Michael Jackson is dead. Y'know, didn't know if you had heard the word.

Hey 0-1 teams, chins up. At least you're not this guy. Or him. And you better thank your lucky stars you're not this guy. So, be a little grateful, you have 12 more weeks to make it up.

Speaking of making things up, you might have noticed that this is no longer the Weekly Retrospectacular. In its stead, we present to you, in the form of a very small JPEG (see above), The Throwback. New name, same snarky attitude. I'll wait for you to go tell your momma about this exciting change. Okay, okay. Don't get too excited.

So, in the same optimistic attitude we previously presented to you "losers", don't worry–be happy.

The Gloat of the Week

Late last night, I got an instant message from our esteemed Treasurer about the success of his team. I carefully reminded him of three things. First, the stigma attached to him as a perennial loser. Last year was just an anomaly. Second, the Throwback does not entirely base The Gloat of the Week based on ones point total (Ed. – Actually, this is exactly what we are going to do this year — The week's winner takes home $10 in his/her Acquisition Budget). Lastly, I pointed out the old adage of "The bigger they are, the harder they fall". As a bonus, I warned him about running the naked naked bootleg.

So, eat it all up Ben T., the Huron Heartbreakers are The Gloat of the Week.

(NL Supremacy gets on an honorable mention. It's impressive to get a "W" when your opponent puts up 131.97).

The Goat of the Week

In a bad case of "What H-Happened Was..." Tinea Cruris (do not do a Google Image search on unless you like penises) dropped the ball and his pants to show the league just what a sore loser looks like (don't worry Jason, Trice will treat you to that orgasmic dessert you both shared at On the Border). Again, The Throwback doesn't base these selection on the lowest score of the week, but it's pretty hard to ignore a loss as lopsided as this one. (Ed. Note – Again, this has changed. Look to see the Heartbreakers here this time next week)

This week's Goat of the Week is proudly awarded to Dr. Jason.

Game of the Week

In a week when the big guns ruled the school, the best one of the bunch was the slugfest between two of last year's regular season's heavyweights, Norfolk State (who crashed and burned) and the defending champion, NL Supremacy. Powered by his three keepers (P. Manning, R. Moss, and A. Peterson), the Supreme Leader overcame the 62 points posted by the "One Man Gang".

The Game Ball Goes ...

... to Tony Romo of the high-flying CoCo's All-Stars. Notice, keeper Chris Chambers laid a giant goose egg so it was up to Romo (43 points) to carry the C.C. A-Ss and prevent owner Cory S. from ending up with his own egg ... on his face.

And We're Out

First one to accurately guess the number of spelling and grammatical errors wins. We'll try better next week.